It’s weird isn’t it

How life changes us daily. It’s never the same and the good and bad come with it. 

I feel in love. Something that I never thought would ever, and I mean EVER, happen to me. I have more walls than most people should ever have. But I feel in love, then stayed closed off and messed it up. 

The feeling of loneliness terrifies me and that’s how I feel daily now. I have lovely friends that have been so helpful, but I can’t imagine my life without eventually marring him. I know people say it’s a phase and it’ll pass, but I don’t want this to. I’d be more happy staying alone now and not having to start a new relationship with someone new. 

I still love him and in ways I always will. It sucks when feelings fade or they disappear. I can never explain how everything got so messed up, but it kills me everyday knowing it was my fault. I take blame for staying closed off and not sharing what’s in my heart with him. 

It started to make me think about my future, my loneliness. I have always wanted to move to New York City after graduation and work there. But if I feel lonely in a medium sized town, how the hell am I going to feel in a city? 

I feel like I lost my soulmate. I don’t use that lightly since I was the biggest believer against love. I had it. I lost it. 

Maybe moving to a medium or small town wouldn’t be so bad. My dad’s from a small town and I’ve visited it before. I loved it. I have shared that with no one. 

I wish I was the type of girl who wasn’t so stubborn or would follow a guy at a drop of a pen. But i’m not. I want to follow my dreams and make something of myself. I want children, but if I end up with none that’s okay too. He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but that feeling of love was so new. It was wonderful. I lost that though. 

I don’t really picture myself marrying anyone else and honestly I don’t want to. I’m okay living every day alone, my worst fear became a reality. I’d rather be alone than with someone else.


Disclaimer: Yes this is sad. Yes I sound like an 8th grader (which I’m not). This is my reality at this time.  


What is racism?

Though this post may come off as if I’m trying to make some huge stance since the Zimmerman verdict is still fresh out, I am not. That is a topic that deserves to be talked about in a completely different blog, a different post, and I believe everyone can have their own opinion on it. This post is not correlated with it. Just a disclaimer!

Being a first generation native born member of my family my childhood has been nothing less than interesting. I think children have the best lives. You don’t notice the way people stare at you or when adults whisper it seems like nothing. I am additionally a firm believe that children copy what they see. Whether it be on TV, from their parents, or just trying to fit in with peers. Seeing how some children act to others is sometimes not the most pleasant experience to watch.

I guess it all started in elementary school. Now that seems like ages ago now that I’m in University and only a couple years away from entering the real working world. I moved to a different state for part of my elementary education and I’m not sure if it was the location where I grew up, but things were vastly different in the new area. While I was 3rd grade, I think plus or minus a year, September 11th happened. That’s when people started treating me differently. My mother is from a predominantly Muslim country, but what some people don’t realize is that the horrible people who attacked weren’t Muslim’s. I would never associate them with ANY religion, they were terrorists who had an extreme idea of what they were meant to do. I personally am not a practicing Muslim, though I am educated on the religion and believe every single person has the right to practice their own religion.

The taunting started to happen. All of a sudden me a child was an enemy to some people. I didn’t do anything wrong. Those people weren’t even from my mothers country of origin. Yet I was taunted. This followed me up till high school where one specific kid, who I must say was very unintelligent, would taunt me all threw class. This child wanted to become a pastor, yet would put down anyone he could especially me. In University it isn’t as bad since most people either don’t care or frankly think the country is in Europe (which is a tad bit horrible to think that geography is going down hill for too many future leaders of this country).

I first handily saw how some people handled a major attack that affected way too many people. This rubbed off on their children in the not most pleasant manner. We were all just children.

In high school when the boarder dispute was the topic of choice on basically every television channel another taunt was started. My name was irrelevant I was just “Oh that Mexican girl.” I mean what? At first I would retort back saying how I wasn’t Mexican, I was partially Spanish from Spain. Then I started to think what’s so wrong with being associated as Mexican? The people crossing were just people. It wasn’t anything new people had been doing it for years. (Personal opinion on the matter isn’t something I’m trying to argue here).

People would ask me if I wanted to mow their grass. No. I don’t want to mow your grass, you have two hands and two feet.

People would ask me if my mom was here legally. Yes. Would you like to see her citizenship papers.

People would ask me if I was legal. Last I checked I was born in this country.

Children are harsh and their parents were not much better either. I had a serious discussion with one of my friends parents about how I was legally in this country and how my parents weren’t trying to take her job. They have very nice jobs that they got all on their own thank you very much.

I didn’t choose what my heritage is. I was born into this world not knowing anything. No prejudices- nothing. A country started by immigrants was now attacking a citizen. All because I might look different doesn’t make me a monster. I am proud of my amazing heritage and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I didn’t grow up in a bad part of town, these were middle to upper-middle class parents and children saying this to me. I guess in a way I’m thankful for it. I have tough skin and have formed my own opinions on issues at an early age.

Will this nation every become one? If people stop judging based on the way someone looks then possibly. Until some parents stop teaching their children to act against a certain type of people then maybe this nation can change. Aren’t we all just trying to live fulfilled lives? Why can’t we come together and just enjoy life, you only have one so live it to the fullest.

Side note: I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes. I am writing this very sleep deprived, but feeling the need to share my story. Along my journey I have met some very wonderful people, but felt more compelled to write about the negative people.

What I would tell myself if I was 16 again…

Coming from one women to the other I know first hand just how horrible it can be to be a Junior in high school going threw weird body changes. Fat goes not exactly where you want it to go and boys start critiquing more. It is probably the worst feeling when you look in a mirror and you hate everything about yourself. You can be a normal looking, average sized girl and just think you look like the most grotesque thing on the planet. Being in high school: from being worried about college, school work, friends, and boys the last thing a girl needs is to basically hate what she looks like.

The fashion industry is not much help in that. I have loved fashion since I could talk. It has become a part of me and probably won’t ever leave. Magazines lined my bedroom walls and I kept stacks of them to reference back to. Just like every normal (or maybe not) girl I idolised the models that got to wear Chanel, D&G, Marc Jacobs and so much more. But, one thing always seemed the same about them. They all had the smallest bodies I had ever seen, something that I clearly did not think I had. Their legs seemed never ending while mine seemed short and fat. I mean of course I knew about Photoshop, but for some reason these images captivated me and made me want to look just like them. They seemed happy and they were having the time of their lives.

It might have just been what I call the “high school blues” but looking at those ads made me simply hate myself for the way I looked. I knew I probably wasn’t the only one going threw this nor would I be the last. But seriously girls if you can get past this the truth really does come out. I know this sounds cliché but everyone really is beautiful in their own way. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves some encouraging words or some, “hey I don’t look that bad in this and it could always be worse.” We all have down days and fashion should be the last thing to bring us down.

It didn’t exactly surprise me when I found out the majority of juniors and seniors in high school were on a diet (Radars Programs). Should this be the norm for girls? Of course not. Will it ever change? I hope so. Fashion is supposed to make us feel beautiful and glamorous, not want to hate ourselves and be some unrealistic body shape. The fashion industry is starting to step in and try to change that. With more normal sized women gracing the covers and runway shows my hope is that every girl can feel beautiful about the way that she looks. (Just a heads up the majority of guys prefer normal to curvy girls over super thin ones!) Hopefully with even more changes to the industry and what we see on the media, we can feel like we actually relate more to the models or actors instead of being an adoring fan.

(Mad Men (normal sized) actress Christina Hendricks)

Though it might be hard to shrug off that annoying voice saying you aren’t pretty or good enough it’s always good to remind yourself of a few good things about yourself to tighten your mood. Just remember a smile can make anyone look like a movie star. Plus it’s only high school now use in beating yourself up in a place where nothing really matters anyway.

Keep your heads up girls and be the strong and confident women that I know you are. (:

Facts found at:

Rader Programs. “Media Influence.” n.p. 2011. Web. 11 March 2012.