It’s weird isn’t it

How life changes us daily. It’s never the same and the good and bad come with it. 

I feel in love. Something that I never thought would ever, and I mean EVER, happen to me. I have more walls than most people should ever have. But I feel in love, then stayed closed off and messed it up. 

The feeling of loneliness terrifies me and that’s how I feel daily now. I have lovely friends that have been so helpful, but I can’t imagine my life without eventually marring him. I know people say it’s a phase and it’ll pass, but I don’t want this to. I’d be more happy staying alone now and not having to start a new relationship with someone new. 

I still love him and in ways I always will. It sucks when feelings fade or they disappear. I can never explain how everything got so messed up, but it kills me everyday knowing it was my fault. I take blame for staying closed off and not sharing what’s in my heart with him. 

It started to make me think about my future, my loneliness. I have always wanted to move to New York City after graduation and work there. But if I feel lonely in a medium sized town, how the hell am I going to feel in a city? 

I feel like I lost my soulmate. I don’t use that lightly since I was the biggest believer against love. I had it. I lost it. 

Maybe moving to a medium or small town wouldn’t be so bad. My dad’s from a small town and I’ve visited it before. I loved it. I have shared that with no one. 

I wish I was the type of girl who wasn’t so stubborn or would follow a guy at a drop of a pen. But i’m not. I want to follow my dreams and make something of myself. I want children, but if I end up with none that’s okay too. He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but that feeling of love was so new. It was wonderful. I lost that though. 

I don’t really picture myself marrying anyone else and honestly I don’t want to. I’m okay living every day alone, my worst fear became a reality. I’d rather be alone than with someone else.

 

Disclaimer: Yes this is sad. Yes I sound like an 8th grader (which I’m not). This is my reality at this time.  

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